Kink has become a large part of society in media of all forms. From the mommy porn of Fifty Shades of Grey, the proliferation of BDSM-centric erotica, to the art films featuring explicit acts of sex(including penetration). The wider proliferation of online pornography, and the catering to more varied tastes. The normally niche pornography which has become more readily visible, to the proliferation of sex acts that were once thought of as aberrant(anal sex, group sex, etc).
Sex has always existed in all mediums in some form or another, but the willingness to read about it, and the willingness to admit that one is reading it to others, has opened up new venues of expression for artists, and also through individual sexual expressions in private. I believe that this proliferation is leading to more acceptance of alternate lifestyles, including that of the GLBT community, though there will always be individuals and groups that will fight anything that does not fit into their own definition of "normal", those numbers are slowly shrinking.
One of the series of stories(I hesitate to call them books despite their length) is the Fifty Shades series by E.L. James. I don't agree with a lot of what is written in it, and especially in some of the practices that are used. Many of the ideas in the book are dangerous and go against the grain when considering true BDSM relationships. There is a certain amount of expectation in a BDSM relationship, and one of those is respect for the sanctity of the safeword. A safeword is an agreement, a contract, that fits into a social/sexual agreement. It is inviolable, and should be treated as law. If it is uttered, activity should stop, no ifs ands or buts. To continue on is rape. Not tantamount to rape, but IS rape. Those that are reading such novels need to realize this before engaging in any kind of activity that even remotely resembles those within that particular series.
But I do have to give the series the props that it somewhat deserves. It has opened up new realms for couples whose sex lives have thus far been vanilla. It has opened up realms of exploration that have heretofore been considered wrong and deviant. It has been opened up realms of freedom that in America have been unknown. It has prompted those that had a curiosity about alternate lifestyles to pick it up, and has been their introduction(though a somewhat flawed one). It shows that there was much more curiosity and interest than was previous thought, just through the massive amount of sales it has had, and the fact that it has been part of several book clubs nationwide.
The shame that has been a part of the kink lifestyle for so long is beginning to recede. Not by a huge margin at this point, but it is receding nonetheless. This can only be seen as good thing in my eyes, as my own lifestyle becomes less "shameful" and more "acceptable". From a psychological standpoint, this creates a more healthy environment where feelings, thoughts, and wishes can be shared between partners without fear of recrimination and kink-shaming. It also lessens the shame that could possibly be cast upon individuals publicly, also.
Overall, this is a good thing. It is good that more people are having sex in ways other than our society has dictated for so long. It is good that they are doing so while coming out of the shadows to push societal boundaries back and allow for more freedom of expression during these acts. It will most likely take quite a bit more time before these acts become more widely accepted, but at least now there is an opening, whereas before there was not. But my word of caution is to not take everything you read at face value and then attempt it yourself, but to actually do the research. Read things posted by those who have been in the kink community for a long time. Talk to people, and become informed. Most of all: Be Safe.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Status, depression, and the road to recovery
Writing can be hard work. Even harder when deal with depression of any kind.
This is an apology to those who read my work. I'm sorry if I haven't been producing like I should. I suffer from seasonal depression, and this year it has struck me particularly hard. Writing can be difficult at the best of times, but when depression hits and you have trouble just doing the daily maintenance activities, writing becomes something easily avoided.
As of right now, I've started producing again, though not nearly as fast as I normally do. I'm working through it, so hopefully I will be able to push through this soon and began popping out stories for your enjoyment within the next couple of weeks. I already have a good start on the sequel to Emailed Confessions, called Workplace Confessions. Also, I have drafted out a rough outline to the sequel of Seducing Henry which will be tentatively called Dominating Henry.
Thank you for your support.
This is an apology to those who read my work. I'm sorry if I haven't been producing like I should. I suffer from seasonal depression, and this year it has struck me particularly hard. Writing can be difficult at the best of times, but when depression hits and you have trouble just doing the daily maintenance activities, writing becomes something easily avoided.
As of right now, I've started producing again, though not nearly as fast as I normally do. I'm working through it, so hopefully I will be able to push through this soon and began popping out stories for your enjoyment within the next couple of weeks. I already have a good start on the sequel to Emailed Confessions, called Workplace Confessions. Also, I have drafted out a rough outline to the sequel of Seducing Henry which will be tentatively called Dominating Henry.
Thank you for your support.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Putting yourself out there
Writing is pretty stressful. I don't say this strictly because I'm a writer, I say this because it is. It is the ultimate form of putting yourself out there. You're taking something that you've written, and putting it out for human consumption. To be judged, good or bad, by complete strangers. These are people who's taste may or may not run in the same way as your own. One person who reads it may like it, another may not. They might not like your style, the subject matter, or even just hate the cover. Or they may love it. You never know either way.
See, writing is very personal thing. The style, the voice, the grammar, the ideas; they all come from within you. A critique is like a huge kick in the belly, good or bad. They aren't just critiquing your work, but in a way they are critiquing you. You are giving them a look into your soul, and they have to chose whether or not they like that core being. Because that is what writing is.
Sure, there is the anonymity of a pen name. That wall that you can build up between yourself and the reader. But there are holes in that wall, and they just happen to be over your most vital areas. They don't cover your heart, your soul. They only place you at one remove, so that you don't have to deal with them in person. But even that remove is not nearly enough for some.
How you take it determines how you will make it in the industry. Being able to take a bad review and learn from it is what makes an author, not merely a writer. You have to be able to take that punch in the gut, read what is being said, and work with it to improve your own writing. If you can't do it, well, you don't need to be in the game.
So far, I have had some decent luck. The lowest ratings that I've had are 3 star, which is about average. I've had a few 5 star reviews on Goodreads. Those made me happy. A 4 star or two. Those too. The 3 stars are what hit me, because nobody wants to be just average. So I sit, and I look, and I rewrite. I determine that the next one will be that much better. I question why, if they didn't write anything. But not too much. Because if you question too much, you enter a quagmire and get stuck, unable to write for the fear of that exposure.
I'm determined to keep writing.
Thank you to everyone who has rated or reviewed my work. I'm stubborn as an ass, and will keep trying to improve.
See, writing is very personal thing. The style, the voice, the grammar, the ideas; they all come from within you. A critique is like a huge kick in the belly, good or bad. They aren't just critiquing your work, but in a way they are critiquing you. You are giving them a look into your soul, and they have to chose whether or not they like that core being. Because that is what writing is.
Sure, there is the anonymity of a pen name. That wall that you can build up between yourself and the reader. But there are holes in that wall, and they just happen to be over your most vital areas. They don't cover your heart, your soul. They only place you at one remove, so that you don't have to deal with them in person. But even that remove is not nearly enough for some.
How you take it determines how you will make it in the industry. Being able to take a bad review and learn from it is what makes an author, not merely a writer. You have to be able to take that punch in the gut, read what is being said, and work with it to improve your own writing. If you can't do it, well, you don't need to be in the game.
So far, I have had some decent luck. The lowest ratings that I've had are 3 star, which is about average. I've had a few 5 star reviews on Goodreads. Those made me happy. A 4 star or two. Those too. The 3 stars are what hit me, because nobody wants to be just average. So I sit, and I look, and I rewrite. I determine that the next one will be that much better. I question why, if they didn't write anything. But not too much. Because if you question too much, you enter a quagmire and get stuck, unable to write for the fear of that exposure.
I'm determined to keep writing.
Thank you to everyone who has rated or reviewed my work. I'm stubborn as an ass, and will keep trying to improve.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Inevitable Letdown
So when you write something, you get into it. You live it and breath it, no matter how long or short the piece. You become a part of it, and it becomes a part of you. This lives on to an extent through the editing process.
I am finding that when I hit Publish, though, that there is a letdown. I would liken it Post-Partum Depression, but I've never felt that, so I can't relate. Sure, there's a weight lifted from your shoulders, that particular monkey is off of your back. But then, its like there is something missing at that point. Some void that was filled by that particular work. Then comes the agitation. You feel like you could have done more. Could have edited better. Could have added more, or maybe taken out more. There is a sense of incompleteness. You aren't done. But you are. You hit Publish. Its done. Its out there, now deal with the consequences.
I have felt this the last two times. I'm guessing I'm going to feel it with the 3rd and 4th and on into infinity. But I also know myself. If I give in to those inner voices, I'll just keep editing and adding until the day I die. I've done it before. I worked on a novel for over 10 years and got absolutely nowhere with it because I refused to move on, refused to push through to the end. Its all about nerves, because with writing, you're putting yourself out there. People are either going to love or hate what you've written, which in turn means that they are going to love or hate you, because that work, on some level, IS you.
Of course, it could all be because I hate the promotion process. I really need to hire someone to do that eventually.
I am finding that when I hit Publish, though, that there is a letdown. I would liken it Post-Partum Depression, but I've never felt that, so I can't relate. Sure, there's a weight lifted from your shoulders, that particular monkey is off of your back. But then, its like there is something missing at that point. Some void that was filled by that particular work. Then comes the agitation. You feel like you could have done more. Could have edited better. Could have added more, or maybe taken out more. There is a sense of incompleteness. You aren't done. But you are. You hit Publish. Its done. Its out there, now deal with the consequences.
I have felt this the last two times. I'm guessing I'm going to feel it with the 3rd and 4th and on into infinity. But I also know myself. If I give in to those inner voices, I'll just keep editing and adding until the day I die. I've done it before. I worked on a novel for over 10 years and got absolutely nowhere with it because I refused to move on, refused to push through to the end. Its all about nerves, because with writing, you're putting yourself out there. People are either going to love or hate what you've written, which in turn means that they are going to love or hate you, because that work, on some level, IS you.
Of course, it could all be because I hate the promotion process. I really need to hire someone to do that eventually.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Paraphilia and Societal Influences-A Rant
The term paraphilia, its association with the term "sexual disorder", and the obscene amount of disinformation about such behaviors on the internet is a source of great concern for me. I have been working towards a psychology degree for a number of years now, and am surprised at how even those who have been in the profession for years are misinformed or are holding on to ideas that went out of vogue. Sometimes, these ideas went out while they were even in school.
Let's get a few thing straight about these terms.
A paraphilia is described as an intense arousal to an atypical object, situation, or individual. This could be anything from a foot fetish, to liking redheads(they are very atypical...well, the real ones anyway).
A sexual disorder is a sexual interest for which a "person feels distinct distress about their interest".
Okay, I have a problem with the definition of sexual disorder for one thing. In most cases the "distress" that the individual feels is due to a societal influence(or, lets be honest, a religious influence). These influences are what cause the disorder, not the sexual interest in itself.
It is my belief that we should be treating these disorders at the root cause. We should be educating, not labeling. Educate the society and the individual. Tell the individual that its okay to enjoy being cuckolded. Its okay to enjoy being flogged, or to want to be urinated on.
Society as a whole has a large history of kink-shaming. Unlike the kink-shaming that happens in the lives of kinky people, society has shamed all forms of kink. Everything that falls outside of their societal norm, or what they were raised to believe in some form or another, is considered wrong, and therefore worthy of ridicule. Unfortunately, there are psychologists in this world who have made it their mission in life to bring their own baggage to the table and force it on everyone else by default.
The only time there should be a diagnosis of "sexual disorder" is when there is actually a psychological issue that prevents proper functioning of the sexual organs and their connection to the pleasure centers of the brain. In this case the therapy should be centered on clearing the block so that the patient can enjoy sex in the way that they wish to.
And now we come to non-consensual sex. This isn't a sex disorder. This is the product of an entirely different disorder. Nobody is so sexually hard up to rape someone. People that do this have some other form of psychological disorder that allows their mind to forget consequences, and to not care about the well-being of other individuals. These people are called sociopaths, psychopaths, border-line personalities. Unfortunately, though there are medications that help, there are no real viable treatment options for these people. They have to want to get better, and in most cases, if not all, don't see a real reason to get better.
Let's get a few thing straight about these terms.
A paraphilia is described as an intense arousal to an atypical object, situation, or individual. This could be anything from a foot fetish, to liking redheads(they are very atypical...well, the real ones anyway).
A sexual disorder is a sexual interest for which a "person feels distinct distress about their interest".
Okay, I have a problem with the definition of sexual disorder for one thing. In most cases the "distress" that the individual feels is due to a societal influence(or, lets be honest, a religious influence). These influences are what cause the disorder, not the sexual interest in itself.
It is my belief that we should be treating these disorders at the root cause. We should be educating, not labeling. Educate the society and the individual. Tell the individual that its okay to enjoy being cuckolded. Its okay to enjoy being flogged, or to want to be urinated on.
Society as a whole has a large history of kink-shaming. Unlike the kink-shaming that happens in the lives of kinky people, society has shamed all forms of kink. Everything that falls outside of their societal norm, or what they were raised to believe in some form or another, is considered wrong, and therefore worthy of ridicule. Unfortunately, there are psychologists in this world who have made it their mission in life to bring their own baggage to the table and force it on everyone else by default.
The only time there should be a diagnosis of "sexual disorder" is when there is actually a psychological issue that prevents proper functioning of the sexual organs and their connection to the pleasure centers of the brain. In this case the therapy should be centered on clearing the block so that the patient can enjoy sex in the way that they wish to.
And now we come to non-consensual sex. This isn't a sex disorder. This is the product of an entirely different disorder. Nobody is so sexually hard up to rape someone. People that do this have some other form of psychological disorder that allows their mind to forget consequences, and to not care about the well-being of other individuals. These people are called sociopaths, psychopaths, border-line personalities. Unfortunately, though there are medications that help, there are no real viable treatment options for these people. They have to want to get better, and in most cases, if not all, don't see a real reason to get better.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Twitter Rant
When an author creates a Twitter account it should be more than just an outlet to pop out post after post with links to your books in them.
Sure, that's fine every once in a while, but if that's all you're doing, you're doing a horrible disservice to your fans, and your future fans. Social Media is all about connecting to your readers on a level that they used to only be able to get at book signings and conventions. Social Media should be used for this, not as a spam-bot advertising campaign to attempt to eke out one more sale.
As a reader as well as a writer, I enjoy talking to people who like my work, or even those that hate it as long as they have some constructive criticism to add. I want to connect to them on a level, even if its sharing the odd bit of news, some politics, or having someone tell me whether or not my work needs improvement.
I've only been on Twitter for a couple of weeks, and already I have been bombarded with the spam from other authors whom I've added. Literally several hundred messages a day with nothing but links to their books that I've already seen half a hundred times. One author spams out her book every two hours like clockwork, several dozen tweets of "Buy this book!". I'm sorry, but that is NOT what twitter is for.
If someone has added you on twitter its because they're curious about YOU, not your work. They've either read your work, or liked what they saw and wanted to know more about YOU. It makes me not want to use Twitter just from the sheer pain of wading through all of the crap, so therefore I'm deleting the worst offenders and finding writers who actually care about their readers.
Sure, that's fine every once in a while, but if that's all you're doing, you're doing a horrible disservice to your fans, and your future fans. Social Media is all about connecting to your readers on a level that they used to only be able to get at book signings and conventions. Social Media should be used for this, not as a spam-bot advertising campaign to attempt to eke out one more sale.
As a reader as well as a writer, I enjoy talking to people who like my work, or even those that hate it as long as they have some constructive criticism to add. I want to connect to them on a level, even if its sharing the odd bit of news, some politics, or having someone tell me whether or not my work needs improvement.
I've only been on Twitter for a couple of weeks, and already I have been bombarded with the spam from other authors whom I've added. Literally several hundred messages a day with nothing but links to their books that I've already seen half a hundred times. One author spams out her book every two hours like clockwork, several dozen tweets of "Buy this book!". I'm sorry, but that is NOT what twitter is for.
If someone has added you on twitter its because they're curious about YOU, not your work. They've either read your work, or liked what they saw and wanted to know more about YOU. It makes me not want to use Twitter just from the sheer pain of wading through all of the crap, so therefore I'm deleting the worst offenders and finding writers who actually care about their readers.
Monday, July 22, 2013
BDSM and Society
So I have felt the feelings that all individuals who are into the BDSM lifestyle have felt at one time or another in their lives. I have felt the shame, the embarrassment, like I had to hide this dark part of myself in the deepest recesses of my mind. I've kept myself from bringing things up to my lovers for fear that they would think that I'm some kind of freak, maybe a killer just waiting to be unleashed if I gave into the fantasies that prowl around the base of my brain. I have in fact, brought these thoughts and feelings up in therapy sessions and been told that it might be related to some "past trauma".
Unfortunately, I did not realize for quite some time that these therapists were letting their own personal sexual prejudices get in the way of good medicine. It would be one thing if these desires I had would lead to the permanent harm or death of an individual. It would be different if I wanted to do these things to someone who did not want them done to them. But that is not what I was feeling. I wanted to do these things, and have the person I was doing them to enjoy them as much as I do. I didn't want to leave some poor female mentally scarred after a session. I wanted her to get the same level of release that I do.
I still struggle with this at times. There are still some things that I am hesitant to bring up. That is partially why I am writing this blog. It is my own form of therapy. It is to get those feelings and thoughts "out there". Hopefully I will find some people through this blog that will help me feel more accepted, since I know that I am not alone(though knowing and actually knowing are truly separate things).
Overcoming social constraints and sociological programming is hard. We are programmed by the media and our social groups to believe certain things based upon norms. It was not long ago that oral and anal sex were a taboo, especially here in America, the Land of the Puritan Mind. It was not long ago that even in the "deviant" world of pornography that one had to look to the Europeans for movies with anal or group sex. Now those have become mainstream and acceptable, even to normal people such as us. Things that Americans find deviant are far more mainstream in other cultures around the world. After all, when I took my first foray into the viewing of pornography, the kinkiest threesomes were usually those involving two women and a man. Now we have double penetrations and gangbangs. Many of the things that society sees as taboo now will not be so in twenty or even ten years.
BDSM is quickly becoming more mainstream in pornography. Even housewives are apparently reading about it now, tucked away in their bedrooms. Fifty Shades of Grey has become a popular book amongst some book clubs, a book supposedly about the domination of a young woman by a man. Standard sex shops have begun selling basic implements of BDSM. Leather floggers, ball gags, cuffs, restraint systems. Hopefully this trend will continue. I long to see a day when BDSM is mentioned and people don't turn up their noses but instead ask "Ooh, can you spank me, please?".
Unfortunately, I did not realize for quite some time that these therapists were letting their own personal sexual prejudices get in the way of good medicine. It would be one thing if these desires I had would lead to the permanent harm or death of an individual. It would be different if I wanted to do these things to someone who did not want them done to them. But that is not what I was feeling. I wanted to do these things, and have the person I was doing them to enjoy them as much as I do. I didn't want to leave some poor female mentally scarred after a session. I wanted her to get the same level of release that I do.
I still struggle with this at times. There are still some things that I am hesitant to bring up. That is partially why I am writing this blog. It is my own form of therapy. It is to get those feelings and thoughts "out there". Hopefully I will find some people through this blog that will help me feel more accepted, since I know that I am not alone(though knowing and actually knowing are truly separate things).
Overcoming social constraints and sociological programming is hard. We are programmed by the media and our social groups to believe certain things based upon norms. It was not long ago that oral and anal sex were a taboo, especially here in America, the Land of the Puritan Mind. It was not long ago that even in the "deviant" world of pornography that one had to look to the Europeans for movies with anal or group sex. Now those have become mainstream and acceptable, even to normal people such as us. Things that Americans find deviant are far more mainstream in other cultures around the world. After all, when I took my first foray into the viewing of pornography, the kinkiest threesomes were usually those involving two women and a man. Now we have double penetrations and gangbangs. Many of the things that society sees as taboo now will not be so in twenty or even ten years.
BDSM is quickly becoming more mainstream in pornography. Even housewives are apparently reading about it now, tucked away in their bedrooms. Fifty Shades of Grey has become a popular book amongst some book clubs, a book supposedly about the domination of a young woman by a man. Standard sex shops have begun selling basic implements of BDSM. Leather floggers, ball gags, cuffs, restraint systems. Hopefully this trend will continue. I long to see a day when BDSM is mentioned and people don't turn up their noses but instead ask "Ooh, can you spank me, please?".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)