So I have felt the feelings that all individuals who are into the BDSM lifestyle have felt at one time or another in their lives. I have felt the shame, the embarrassment, like I had to hide this dark part of myself in the deepest recesses of my mind. I've kept myself from bringing things up to my lovers for fear that they would think that I'm some kind of freak, maybe a killer just waiting to be unleashed if I gave into the fantasies that prowl around the base of my brain. I have in fact, brought these thoughts and feelings up in therapy sessions and been told that it might be related to some "past trauma".
Unfortunately, I did not realize for quite some time that these therapists were letting their own personal sexual prejudices get in the way of good medicine. It would be one thing if these desires I had would lead to the permanent harm or death of an individual. It would be different if I wanted to do these things to someone who did not want them done to them. But that is not what I was feeling. I wanted to do these things, and have the person I was doing them to enjoy them as much as I do. I didn't want to leave some poor female mentally scarred after a session. I wanted her to get the same level of release that I do.
I still struggle with this at times. There are still some things that I am hesitant to bring up. That is partially why I am writing this blog. It is my own form of therapy. It is to get those feelings and thoughts "out there". Hopefully I will find some people through this blog that will help me feel more accepted, since I know that I am not alone(though knowing and actually knowing are truly separate things).
Overcoming social constraints and sociological programming is hard. We are programmed by the media and our social groups to believe certain things based upon norms. It was not long ago that oral and anal sex were a taboo, especially here in America, the Land of the Puritan Mind. It was not long ago that even in the "deviant" world of pornography that one had to look to the Europeans for movies with anal or group sex. Now those have become mainstream and acceptable, even to normal people such as us. Things that Americans find deviant are far more mainstream in other cultures around the world. After all, when I took my first foray into the viewing of pornography, the kinkiest threesomes were usually those involving two women and a man. Now we have double penetrations and gangbangs. Many of the things that society sees as taboo now will not be so in twenty or even ten years.
BDSM is quickly becoming more mainstream in pornography. Even housewives are apparently reading about it now, tucked away in their bedrooms. Fifty Shades of Grey has become a popular book amongst some book clubs, a book supposedly about the domination of a young woman by a man. Standard sex shops have begun selling basic implements of BDSM. Leather floggers, ball gags, cuffs, restraint systems. Hopefully this trend will continue. I long to see a day when BDSM is mentioned and people don't turn up their noses but instead ask "Ooh, can you spank me, please?".
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