Putting yourself out there

Writing is pretty stressful.  I don't say this strictly because I'm a writer, I say this because it is.  It is the ultimate form of putting yourself out there.  You're taking something that you've written, and putting it out for human consumption.  To be judged, good or bad, by complete strangers. These are people who's taste may or may not run in the same way as your own.  One person who reads it may like it, another may not.  They might not like your style, the subject matter, or even just hate the cover.  Or they may love it.  You never know either way.

See, writing is  very personal thing.  The style, the voice, the grammar, the ideas;  they all come from within you.  A critique is like a huge kick in the belly, good or bad.  They aren't just critiquing your work, but in a way they are critiquing you.  You are giving them a look into your soul, and they have to chose whether or not they like that core being.  Because that is what writing is.

Sure, there is the anonymity of a pen name.  That wall that you can build up between yourself and the reader.  But there are holes in that wall, and they just happen to be over your most vital areas.  They don't cover your heart, your soul.  They only place you at one remove, so that you don't have to deal with them in person.  But even that remove is not nearly enough for some.

How you take it determines how you will make it in the industry.  Being able to take a bad review and learn from it is what makes an author, not merely a writer.  You have to be able to take that punch in the gut, read what is being said, and work with it to improve your own writing.  If you can't do it, well, you don't need to be in the game.

So far, I have had some decent luck.  The lowest ratings that I've had are 3 star, which is about average.  I've had a few 5 star reviews on Goodreads.  Those made me happy.  A 4 star or two.  Those too.  The 3 stars are what hit me, because nobody wants to be just average.  So I sit, and I look, and I rewrite.  I determine that the next one will be that much better.  I question why, if they didn't write anything.  But not too much.  Because if you question too much, you enter a quagmire and get stuck, unable to write for the fear of that exposure. 

I'm determined to keep writing.

Thank you to everyone who has rated or reviewed my work.  I'm stubborn as an ass, and will keep trying to improve.

The Inevitable Letdown

So when you write something, you get into it.  You live it and breath it, no matter how long or short the piece.  You become a part of it, and it becomes a part of you.  This lives on to an extent through the editing process. 

I am finding that when I hit Publish, though, that there is a letdown.  I would liken it Post-Partum Depression, but I've never felt that, so I can't relate.  Sure, there's a weight lifted from your shoulders, that particular monkey is off of your back.  But then, its like there is something missing at that point.  Some void that was filled by that particular work.  Then comes the agitation.  You feel like you could have done more.  Could have edited better.  Could have added more, or maybe taken out more.  There is a sense of incompleteness.  You aren't done.  But you are.  You hit Publish.  Its done.  Its out there, now deal with the consequences.

I have felt this the last two times.  I'm guessing I'm going to feel it with the 3rd and 4th and on into infinity.  But I also know myself.  If I give in to those inner voices, I'll just keep editing and adding until the day I die.  I've done it before.  I worked on a novel for over 10 years and got absolutely nowhere with it because I refused to move on, refused to push through to the end.  Its all about nerves, because with writing, you're putting yourself out there.  People are either going to love or hate what you've written, which in turn means that they are going to love or hate you, because that work, on some level, IS you.

Of course, it could all be because I hate the promotion process.  I really need to hire someone to do that eventually.

Paraphilia and Societal Influences-A Rant

The term paraphilia, its association with the term "sexual disorder", and the obscene amount of disinformation about such behaviors on the internet is a source of great concern for me.  I have been working towards a psychology degree for a number of years now, and am surprised at how even those who have been in the profession for years are misinformed or are holding on to ideas that went out of vogue.  Sometimes, these ideas went out while they were even in school.

Let's get a few thing straight about these terms.

A paraphilia is described as an intense arousal to an atypical object, situation, or individual.  This could be anything from a foot fetish, to liking redheads(they are very atypical...well, the real ones anyway).

A sexual disorder is a sexual interest for which a "person feels distinct distress about their interest". 

Okay, I have a problem with the definition of sexual disorder for one thing.  In most cases the "distress" that the individual feels is due to a societal influence(or, lets be honest, a religious influence).  These influences are what cause the disorder, not the sexual interest in itself.

It is my belief that we should be treating these disorders at the root cause.  We should be educating, not labeling.  Educate the society and the individual.  Tell the individual that its okay to enjoy being cuckolded.  Its okay to enjoy being flogged, or to want to be urinated on. 

Society as a whole has a large history of kink-shaming.  Unlike the kink-shaming that happens in the  lives of kinky people, society has shamed all forms of kink.  Everything that falls outside of their societal norm, or what they were raised to believe in some form or another, is considered wrong, and therefore worthy of ridicule.  Unfortunately, there are psychologists in this world who have made it their mission in life to bring their own baggage to the table and force it on everyone else by default.

The only time there should be a diagnosis of "sexual disorder" is when there is actually a psychological issue that prevents proper functioning of the sexual organs and their connection to the pleasure centers of the brain.  In this case the therapy should be centered on clearing the block so that the patient can enjoy sex in the way that they wish to.

And now we come to non-consensual sex.  This isn't a sex disorder.  This is the product of an entirely different disorder.  Nobody is so sexually hard up to rape someone.  People that do this have some other form of psychological disorder that allows their mind to forget consequences, and to not care about the well-being of other individuals.  These people are called sociopaths, psychopaths, border-line personalities.  Unfortunately, though there are medications that help, there are no real viable treatment options for these people.  They have to want to get better, and in most cases, if not all, don't see a real reason to get better. 

Twitter Rant

When an author creates a Twitter account it should be more than just an outlet to pop out post after post with links to your books in them.

Sure, that's fine every once in a while, but if that's all you're doing, you're doing a horrible disservice to your fans, and your future fans.  Social Media is all about connecting to your readers on a level that they used to only be able to get at book signings and conventions.  Social Media should be used for this, not as a spam-bot advertising campaign to attempt to eke out one more sale.
As a reader as well as a writer, I enjoy talking to people who like my work, or even those that hate it as long as they have some constructive criticism to add.  I want to connect to them on a level, even if its sharing the odd bit of news, some politics, or having someone tell me whether or not my work needs improvement.

I've only been on Twitter for a couple of weeks, and already I have been bombarded with the spam from other authors whom I've added.  Literally several hundred messages a day with nothing but links to their books that I've already seen half a hundred times.  One author spams out her book every two hours like clockwork, several dozen tweets of "Buy this book!".  I'm sorry, but that is NOT what twitter is for. 

If someone has added you on twitter its because they're curious about YOU, not your work.  They've either read your work, or liked what they saw and wanted to know more about YOU.  It makes me not want to use Twitter just from the sheer pain of wading through all of the crap, so therefore I'm deleting the worst offenders and finding writers who actually care about their readers.

BDSM and Society

So I have felt the feelings that all individuals who are into the BDSM lifestyle have felt at one time or another in their lives.  I have felt the shame, the embarrassment, like I had to hide this dark part of myself in the deepest recesses of my mind.  I've kept myself from bringing things up to my lovers for fear that they would think that I'm some kind of freak, maybe a killer just waiting to be unleashed if I gave into the fantasies that prowl around the base of my brain.  I have in fact, brought these thoughts and feelings up in therapy sessions and been told that it might be related to some "past trauma".

Unfortunately, I did not realize for quite some time that these therapists were letting their own personal sexual prejudices get in the way of good medicine.  It would be one thing if these desires I had would lead to the permanent harm or death of an individual.  It would be different if I wanted to do these things to someone who did not want them done to them.  But that is not what I was feeling.  I wanted to do these things, and have the person I was doing them to enjoy them as much as I do.  I didn't want to leave some poor female mentally scarred after a session.  I wanted her to get the same level of release that I do.

I still struggle with this at times.  There are still some things that I am hesitant to bring up.  That is partially why I am writing this blog.  It is my own form of therapy.  It is to get those feelings and thoughts "out there".  Hopefully I will find some people through this blog that will help me feel more accepted, since I know that I am not alone(though knowing and actually knowing are truly separate things).

Overcoming social constraints and sociological programming is hard.  We are programmed by the media and our social groups to believe certain things based upon norms.  It was not long ago that oral and anal sex were a taboo, especially here in America, the Land of the Puritan Mind.  It was not long ago that even in the "deviant" world of pornography that one had to look to the Europeans for movies with anal or group sex.  Now those have become mainstream and acceptable, even to normal people such as us.  Things that Americans find deviant are far more mainstream in other cultures around the world.  After all, when I took my first foray into the viewing of pornography, the kinkiest threesomes were usually those involving two women and a man.  Now we have double penetrations and gangbangs.  Many of the things that society sees as taboo now will not be so in twenty or even ten years.

BDSM is quickly becoming more mainstream in pornography.  Even housewives are apparently reading about it now, tucked away in their bedrooms.  Fifty Shades of Grey has become a popular book amongst some book clubs, a book supposedly about the domination of a young woman by a man.  Standard sex shops have begun selling basic implements of BDSM.  Leather floggers, ball gags, cuffs, restraint systems.  Hopefully this trend will continue.  I long to see a day when BDSM is mentioned and people don't turn up their noses but instead ask "Ooh, can you spank me, please?".

Psychological Dominance - My thoughts

What does it take to truly be dominant in a sexual relationship? I don't honestly think many people know. The way it is portrayed in popular media, one would think it would take a tall male with dark hair and flashing eyes and a rock hard body. Or maybe a statuesque female dressed in leather wielding a whip.  Or the businessman and his secretary.  Typically we see it portrayed in a typical "alpha male" or "alpha female" fashion, where the dom or domme is someone who is in control both inside and outside of the bedroom.

For the most part this is horrendously false.

There is a mindset to dominance that has little to do with anything physical, or even to a position or job. It has little to do with natural charisma, either. In many ways it has quite a bit to do with control. Not in the way that you probably think though. It has more to do with how much control you have...over your control, or your life.

What?  What can he possibly be thinking?

See, as people we are taught that we have to control all of our impulses, our thoughts, our bodies. We are taught the rules of society and expected to control ourselves enough to stay within social norms. Any loss of control that violates those norms is considered deviance, which is punishable by social conditioning, ridicule or ostracism. 

So the hardest part of being a dominant is taking the socially imposed leash off of one's control. Allowing yourself to do what society considers deviant. And allow yourself to enjoy it.

What kind of person does this?  Any kind.  A domme can be the corporate leader, or the fry cook at McDonalds.   From my experience, it is often times someone who has less control over their own life than you would think, seeking to control the one thing in their life that they can.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing(though it can if they are doing it for reasons that have to do with mental illness, but by far this is the minority of those in the BDSM lifestyle, not the majority).

Keep in mind, though, that above all, they are normal people.  Paraphilias do not denote a troubled mind, just an imaginative one.

The Words We Use

Words are important when telling a story, and the structure of a sentence is even more important.  The English language has changed drastically even over a short period of time, such as the last fifty years.

The type of novel we write dictates how we use the language.  While still modern, when writing fantasy there are turns of phrase that give the feeling of ages gone by.  By simply changing the syntax of a sentence we can bring that feeling into our writing.  Modern language can give this feel just by changing the word order of a sentence, or by inserting punctuation in the right area.

An easy example of this is illustrated in a fragment.  "...when they first came to this land."  The positioning of two words can change the entire feel of the sentence.  "...when first they came to this land."  Simple things like this can further immerse the reader in your world, changing the way they view the language, and changing the tone of the entire paragraph in which it is seated.

BDSM in Erotica

There is a frightening trend in the writing of BDSM erotica, starting with the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey.  The trend is one of consent, or the lack thereof.  People coming into the BDSM scene after reading Fifty Shades or other erotica that has stemmed from it have a misconception about how BDSM works in real life.  This either makes them not wish to try it, or if they do wish to, to try it in ways that are considerably more dangerous than the actual acts would be.

I have worries about this trend, and that is for those more adventurous types.  After reading the atrocity mentioned above, I came to the conclusion that anybody who goes into BDSM thinking that this was a representation of how it works would be in for a world of hurt.  The main character has scenes set with the female protagonist.  At one point she says no and means it, and yet he continues on his course.

This is the legal definition of rape.

In BDSM, there are safeties in place to attempt to prevent these kind of scenarios.  It isn't a perfect system, by far.  Safe words, non-verbal cues, progression, public scenes, contracts. These are all attempts to make what could possibly be a dangerous activity safer. 

Also, one of the most key ingredients in any BDSM relationship is trust.  This is what I meant by progression.  You don't automatically jump into whips and choking without getting to know the Dom, or the Sub for that matter.  There is a huge amount of trust that needs to be invested in both relationships.  The Sub has to trust that the Dom A) knows what they are doing B) knows how far to go and C) has complete control of themselves.  The Dom has to trust that the Sub A) knows what they really want B) knows how far they are willing to go and C) won't forget to tell them to stop if they are going too far if the Dom misses a signal.  In BDSM, it is a relationship, and like any relationship you have to learn the signals, the pitfalls, and take the time to develop it.

So, while things in erotic fiction may go quickly, it is important to realize that there are realities to the situation that need to be observed.  If you are thinking about this type of relationship, do your research, pay attention, and take your time.

The Art of Arousal

There is an art to arousal in erotic writing.  You have to engage the senses and the imagination at the same time.  You also have to be creative and alternate the names of body parts and still keep the action flowing in the way it needs to flow.  Names have to be direct, and not allusions to them.  They also can't be ridiculous similes. You can't call a penis a "banana" or a "purple helmet yogurt slinger" and still expect people to read on.  You also can't be too crude.  You have to walk a fine line and feel out your readers.

Pacing is important.  The action in a short piece of erotica should build, but not too fast, and not too slow.  You want the climax to come, then bring them slowly down.  Yes, kind of like sex.  If you're a guy, just think that you want her to have hers first.  Ladies first, always....unless she says otherwise...and still ladies first.

Connection on a primal level is what erotica is about.  If there is too much use of the intelligence, then there is something lost.  So you have to make the flow make sense to the reader.  You can't create a stumbling block by throwing in something that is nonsensical.  Build up only as slowly as your characters allow.  If you allow your characters to flow instead of forcing them to do what you think they should, then the writing will be much smoother.  Action should move into action.  You can't add in too much thought, or long conversational dialogue during a sex scene.  It will jar the reader out of the moment and back to reality.  It will lead them to question the moment, and question the author.

Another thing on this topic.  When writing about sex, you should enjoy it.  If you aren't getting aroused by the scene you are writing, you are doing something wrong.  You can't reach the audience if you can't even reach yourself, and this is key.  Granted, there will always be some people who get nothing out of a piece of erotica, but if you are writing it and do get something out of it, I can guarantee somebody else will too.  The more arousing to the reader, the more likely they will come back for more.

Emailed Confessions

Emailed Confessions

 

James thought he had a good relationship with his wife, Liz.  That is until he began receiving sexually provocative emails from an unknown woman.  He tells his wife what is going on, and his relationship begins changing in unexpected ways.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/331361

Download for free through August 3, 2013 coupon code: ZY87J

The writing of erotica

I hear people say that writing erotica is easy, that anyone can do it.  Just watch a porn and write.  I think they're wrong.

Erotica is all about the nuts and bolts.  You have to take a story and distill it down to strictly the nuts and bolts.  Erotica is all about the movement of the story.  It's action, but action with intent.  It's emotion through action and action alone.  Especially with short erotica.  Just as with any type of short prose, you have to be able to convey as much as possible with as few words as possible.  And to do that, and do it well is hard.  It is easier to expand than compress, and to tell a story with a beginning, a middle and an end in less than 20k words is as hard as anything.

With erotica there is action, but it's sensual action.  Again, though, its action distilled into its primal components.  It uses all of the senses, and uses them at their most basic level.  With these actions and senses you have to convey all of the emotion and physicality's of the situation.  Every sensation has to be linked with an emotion of some form or another, from love to lust, all dependent on the character experiencing it, and the situation.

And for that short while you're writing the story, you have to care.  You have to care about the story, the characters, and even your readers.