What does it take to truly be dominant in a sexual relationship? I don't honestly think many people know. The way it is portrayed in popular media, one would think it would take a tall male with dark hair and flashing eyes and a rock hard body. Or maybe a statuesque female dressed in leather wielding a whip. Or the businessman and his secretary. Typically we see it portrayed in a typical "alpha male" or "alpha female" fashion, where the dom or domme is someone who is in control both inside and outside of the bedroom.
For the most part this is horrendously false.
There is a mindset to dominance that has little to do with anything physical, or even to a position or job. It has little to do with natural charisma, either. In many ways it has quite a bit to do with control. Not in the way that you probably think though. It has more to do with how much control you have...over your control, or your life.
What? What can he possibly be thinking?
See, as people we are taught that we have to control all of our impulses, our thoughts, our bodies. We are taught the rules of society and expected to control ourselves enough to stay within social norms. Any loss of control that violates those norms is considered deviance, which is punishable by social conditioning, ridicule or ostracism.
So the hardest part of being a dominant is taking the socially imposed leash off of one's control. Allowing yourself to do what society considers deviant. And allow yourself to enjoy it.
What kind of person does this? Any kind. A domme can be the corporate leader, or the fry cook at McDonalds. From my experience, it is often times someone who has less control over their own life than you would think, seeking to control the one thing in their life that they can. This isn't necessarily a bad thing(though it can if they are doing it for reasons that have to do with mental illness, but by far this is the minority of those in the BDSM lifestyle, not the majority).
Keep in mind, though, that above all, they are normal people. Paraphilias do not denote a troubled mind, just an imaginative one.
For the most part this is horrendously false.
There is a mindset to dominance that has little to do with anything physical, or even to a position or job. It has little to do with natural charisma, either. In many ways it has quite a bit to do with control. Not in the way that you probably think though. It has more to do with how much control you have...over your control, or your life.
What? What can he possibly be thinking?
See, as people we are taught that we have to control all of our impulses, our thoughts, our bodies. We are taught the rules of society and expected to control ourselves enough to stay within social norms. Any loss of control that violates those norms is considered deviance, which is punishable by social conditioning, ridicule or ostracism.
So the hardest part of being a dominant is taking the socially imposed leash off of one's control. Allowing yourself to do what society considers deviant. And allow yourself to enjoy it.
What kind of person does this? Any kind. A domme can be the corporate leader, or the fry cook at McDonalds. From my experience, it is often times someone who has less control over their own life than you would think, seeking to control the one thing in their life that they can. This isn't necessarily a bad thing(though it can if they are doing it for reasons that have to do with mental illness, but by far this is the minority of those in the BDSM lifestyle, not the majority).
Keep in mind, though, that above all, they are normal people. Paraphilias do not denote a troubled mind, just an imaginative one.
Well said indeed.
ReplyDelete"So the hardest part of being a dominant is taking the socially imposed leash off of one's control. Allowing yourself to do what society considers deviant. And allow yourself to enjoy it."
I think this is something often overlooked by women who seek to bring D/s into an established marriage--they don't realize that Dominants have struggles of their own to contend with.
It is definitely something that is overlooked in much of fiction...though I can see why. I'm finding that it is difficult to write, even though I have experienced it. I'm going to push through, and hopefully its worth reading when done...This is one of my long-term projects, though, not my shorts.
ReplyDelete